Involuntary Feelings
by ExcuUUuseMe
Summary: Maybe it would be okay to do things alone with the accompaniment of someone else.


The light shone over his optimistic face, causing some sort of feeling to run through my body. I felt myself smile lightly at him, finding my heart rate speed up at the moments when his lips curled up and his eyes sparkled. Sure, he was annoying at times, but it didn't bother me because of situations like this when he just stood and let his eyes pan over anything and everything, practically breathing in all the world around him. The best part of moments such as this one was that he never realized what he was doing, making it known that pure emotion was plastered across his face. He always spoke with a force in his words that caused involuntary butterflies in my stomach, which I, in fact, would most likely never find the courage in myself to admit to. He showed me the real beauty of life in a way I could never put to words, so I didn't bother trying.

My name is Kageyama Tobio, and I've always done things alone, yet for some strange reason whenever Hinata is around I think that maybe it would be okay to do things alone with the accompaniment of someone else. I have these overly apparent feelings that tend to prod at mind at the most utterly inconvenient times, feelings for this orange haired idiot that make me feel like maybe I'm an idiot as well, but considering the amount I think about it, I've realized that is quite alright, because I'd rather be a complete imbecile than to live without his presence in my life. Don't get me wrong; we aren't dating, and I could definitely live without him, but that is an adaptation I feel isn't necessary to my life, and it's one that I'd much rather not make any time soon.

By now Hinata is looking back at me while I stare lazily off into the mixture of greens that are far too difficult to pick apart the farther away from my gaze they are. When I realize that his eyes are locked onto my face it takes most of my strength to not let a smile creep onto my lips, or a blush to engulf my visage in all entirety. A large part of me hopes for a beautiful scene in my life where Hinata struggles with his words to come out with a confession that he's always had these strong emotions for me. Where I am not the one put on spot to admit anything, or feel the painful burning sensation run through my entire being when I hear rejection from his lips. Where everyone was just waiting for this moment to happen, for they knew all along that both of us had these feelings that only the other were oblivious to, but it would make me a sucker to believe anything along the lines of that actually happens in real life, so I don't dwell upon it too much.

Hinata impatiently waves his hand in front of my face and my gaze snaps back to him, "what?" I speak nonchalantly as if none of the thoughts I'd been having previously had ever crossed my mind.

"I asked when we were planning on going back, Kageyama," he spoke anxiously holding out my name more than necessary. Damn, those butterflies again, they're making me feel like I'm going to be sick. It makes me feel slightly light headed at the way my name rolled off of his lips. The way they clung to the air around me and almost made me feel like I was choking because I felt as if maybe he was filling my lungs. I try to ignore this most of the time, but god knows it's almost impossible to block something out of your mind when it is so apparent, and I wondered if he could realize exactly what is was that he was doing to me.

"We can go now right now," I state as I begin to walk ahead of him. I hear him clumsily trying to catch up, letting out a couple grunts and other loud sounds, followed by a stammered calling of my name, and a rushed string of 'hey!'s and 'wait up's. I don't stop, or show any type of give in my walking, nor do I make it apparent that I have even heard his yelps, because I don't want him to look at me, and at this point I'm just thinking about how I _(really) _want to look at him.

We come up to the regular convenient store and as the bell that rings at every opening of the door sounds, a tall blonde boy sporting black rimmed glasses, and a smaller, timid boy, with freckles dusted across himself turned towards us, a smirk gracing the latter's face. I turn to walk away but a provoking voice rings through my ears, making my body feel an extreme sense of tension, "hey, wait up _King,_ where are you going? Don't you guys want to come and have some _fun_ with us?" The question was proposed in such a sickly sweet tone it made me grit my teeth, the sound of them rubbing up against each other roughly filling my head. I continued walking until I was merely in earshot of Tsukishima's voice playing at Hinata's small temper, while the former took the bait generously laid in front of him.

I could hear Hinata trying to prove himself, jumping up to the blonde's height, and the duo's muffled snickers at the orange haired boy missing his landing and making a hard collision with the ground. "Oooaaagh," he groaned, and I couldn't help but also chuckle inaudibly to myself as I pictured the boy making a pouty face whilst sitting on the ground. I didn't dare turn around though, for my mind was too far out from the regular austere thoughts that usually cluttered my mind for me to be able to cover up the emotion in both my body language and facial expression. The last thing I wanted was for the piece of trash to be poking and prodding at me, trying to pry out my thoughts, for god knows _he would,_ what with his conniving and deceiving attitude mixed with his ways of using his intelligence.

Tsukishima eventually said that teasing Hinata was _'getting boring'_ although everyone who could even slightly hear that phrase knew he would pick up where he left off the following day. While the two boys were leaving the blonde said something along the lines of _'sorry to make you waste your time on commoners such as ourselves,' _to which his brunette counterpart chuckled at, and they continued to walk in the opposite direction as to which we were heading. Hinata made an irritated face, letting out a sigh, and telling me that we should get going, mumbling angry words under his breath that sounded like _'just because you're tall you think you can say_ whatever,' and then some incoherent grumbles,_ 'well you know what? You've got another thing coming...maybe not from me I mean your height is kind of intimidating but maybe from Tanaka.'_

As Hinata and I walked, an uneasy silence fell over us; well, uneasy to myself at least because I didn't get the chance to hear the orange haired boys voice echo throughout the emptied streets, while he was the only thing occupying my any and every vacant space in my mind. Not that I would or could ever bring myself to admit such a thing. Which possibly that was the root of my uneasiness about this silence. I desperately wanted to break this quiet stillness that filled the air around us, perhaps with a confession of my love, perhaps not, yet this is the same internal fight I found myself having every night that we fell into this pattern. The silence being one of those small and itchy wool shirts clinging to myself, making me completely want to remove it, but I was unsure as to where to start, so instead, I did nothing about it.

Hinata's eyes wandered around aimlessly, pausing at trees and lights, the same ones we had seen hundreds of times, yet it seemed as if each time he looked at them it was always the same look of pure bliss. As if he had lived in some sort of isolated cell and it were his first time ever being outside. As if just the fact the he were breathing, walking, standing there, it were enough to completely enthrall him with the world. I wish I could be anywhere near similar to that, but all I can seem to see is the cruelty in the world. Everything that represents what is wrong in the very place we inhabit. I see darkness, darkness and a single light that shines overhead and causes me to no longer feel lost. That light is the boy who stands in front of me, enamored with the world. While I am just some lost little boy trying to find guidance in what is in front of me.

My heart continues its rhythmic beating, though, and I continue breathing, although the one thing that crosses my mind is how it feels almost torturous to have this bright eyed boy in front of me, so close, yet not close enough, not holding my hand, and not whispering small 'I love you's underneath his breath, inaudible to everyone's ears but my own. Life is such a cruel and unusual punishment that I have found myself being caught in. Anything I need just within my reach, yet as soon as I almost have a grip, and I feel like this could be where everything finally begins falling into place to create some level of perfection, it is ripped from my fingertips and held just a little higher above me, mocking me as I stare wide eyed. Hinata does not realize these things, he is utterly oblivious to all that is going on around him, like a small child, still entranced with all of the minuscule things, as if they were the most breathtakingly beautiful things that he had ever laid witness to, and maybe that is why I can only see him as the most breathtakingly beautiful human I ever had the honor to set my gaze upon.

We reach his home and I speak a soft 'goodnight' to the harshly blowing wind in front of me, not entirely sure if I wanted him to hear it. As he ran up to his front door he yelled a loud 'goodnight Kageyama!' to the world, and it made my heart flutter a bit as I continued walking, hands stuffed deep into the pits of my pockets. I looked up to the twinkling stars which made me think of Hinata, for his eyes had the prettiest stars contained in them, always letting out light just like in his smile. I always walked him home because when I walked alone people tended to keep a lengthy distance away from me, which I wouldn't technically consider a flaw about myself, but rather an attribute that I have created due to my own social abilities, whilst Hinata should have worn a target on his back for all of the attention he attracted to himself, whether it be voluntary or not. I still have found myself wondering exactly how he managed to be polite to the vast majority of the people he came in contact with while I- as much as I absolutely loathed the fact- had the same level of hospitality as Tsukishima did.

I find myself staring at the ground, kicking up dirt as I walk, creating small clouds that blocked off my vision from my feet. The illumination around me fades in and out as I made my way passed the streetlights. Every now and then a car speeds by recklessly, half blinding me in the process, dotting my vision for the following twenty seconds each time. I curse under my breath as the streetlights stop completely for a block and I can barely see three feet in front of myself, the clouds covering up the dim light of the moon, not helping myself in the least.

When I reach my home, much to my irritation, the door is locked, as if my parents were completely unaware to the fact that I had yet to come home. I fumbled around in my bag for a good minute, finally yanking up a clanking set of keys which I held tightly in my grasp. I tried many times to fit the key into the door, though considering there were no lights on at my home's entrance, and the closest source of light was twenty feet away at the foot of the street, I had a rather hard time trying to find just where the keyhole was. I groaned in agitation and jammed the keys at the lock one last time, and much to my pleasant surprise, they went in. I twisted the key briskly and let myself in, staggering around the completely dark home, trying not to trip over anything, especially my own feet, in the process of getting to my bedroom.

I could've turned on a light, but I didn't want to take the chance of waking my parents who would probably question me as to '_why I was out this late,'_ which I would probably shoot back something in my state of agitation about_ 'why does it really matter because I'm home and safe right_ _now.'_ My father would probably be somewhat irate, and my mother reasonably hurt, mumbling something about _'how much I have changed,' _or how _'she didn't raise me like this,'_ and my father grumbling on about how _'just because you're a teen doesn't mean you don't abide by our rules still,' _so I would much rather just avoid the whole ordeal until some other day where I have a reason to be angsty and rebellious, and decide on just finding my way to my bedroom for now.

I trip through my doorway, catching myself roughly, all the while still muffling the noise. I hissed in pain a bit, but continued my way to my bed, flopping down face first when my knees touched the end the covers that were still sprawled messily across the mattress. As I found myself throwing around sheets above me, tossing them and turning them, trying to get them to properly fall back into place so that I could wrap myself up in a slowly warming shield from the cold air around me, I began growing frustrated and worn. The frustration grew stronger and I finally let out a grunt and just left the covers twisted, not quite covering some parts of my legs, which strongly irritated me, but alas, I had no energy left within my mindlessly flailing limbs.

My head lolled to the right side of me, facing the wall that mocked me with its lack of emotions. _Hey look Kageyama you're lying in bed becoming jealous of a wall! _I rolled my eyes and moved my head to the other side, a pile up of various books and papers scattered without order on a desk, blocking the wall from my line of vision. I tried so hard to keep my eyes shut, but it was almost like the reverse to blinking, for I couldn't keep them closed long enough, the urge for them to be open growing, and my patience decreasing, until I finally just held them open and let my thoughts slowly fill my mind, creating a pool that drowned out any feeling of fatigue that I had previously been feeling.

_Why exactly am I alive? _beat through my head bringing on an existential crisis within a matter of seconds, to which I quickly changed the subject to death. _Super bright tonight Kageyama. _I sighed as I thought about the inevitable thing that had yet to stop this thinking, for as long as you live, death will linger somewhere in your mind. I wondered if my death would matter, if I would ever matter. I slowly picked my thoughts out of the melancholy heap that they were in, dusted them off, and found myself once again thinking about Hinata. _What a beautiful and strange specimen he is, creeping into my thoughts on a regular which no one else has ever managed to accomplish. Hmph. Would've been fine without him, really. _That's where I stop myself. _Would _I have been fine without him? Would I simply be some useless uptight athletic who had no sense of control still? Would I even have anyone who could put up with my strict words of direction? Would I be playing volleyball? I stop myself and close my eyes, feeling I had reached too deep, triggering some kind of leakage within my thoughts that I needed to temporarily patch up, and call it a night.

Though that temporary patch did nothing to stop the brightly lit dreams about this oranged haired boy who seems to never leave my thoughts, even when I'm not the one controlling them.


End file.
